


Dicks Without Dicks

by Ispell2



Series: Nick & Josephine [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Cute, F/M, Funny, I guess it'd be a dildo?, I mean, Or... I guess, Silly, Sweet, a dick for the dick, dildo, dumb, i never realized that before, nick gets a dick, penis prosthetic?, robo-copulate, romantic, there are so many great andriod dick puns you guys, usb-nis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-16 11:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8101036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ispell2/pseuds/Ispell2
Summary: Josephine and Nick were happy; good relationship, good friends, good working relationship... There was just one thing missing--and Josephine was set on rectifying that. Join us on one woman's journey to find a special part for the man she shared that special connection with, and finally get him something he'd been without for 210+ years; an penis. Hey. Even Data had a dick. (Posted under 'Lover-Bot' on FF.Net, but I've been kicking myself over not calling it 'Dicks Without Dicks' ever since I thought it up. So there. Smutty goodness in chapter three or so.)





	1. The Seed Is Planted

Things were looking up a bit more for Josephine. Well, more like _some_ things were looking up; she still didn't know where Shawn was, her husband had been dead for three years, her damn laser pistol kept refusing to go off at crucial moments _especially during this run_ ; and the real kicker was that even though the world had collapsed into a hellscape of radiation, monsters, and even more monstrous morality was that she, Josephine, widowed in a horrific manner and child grown up to be a qualified monster, was happy. Even more ironic was that this two-hundred and twenty-five year old woman felt like a giddy schoolgirl as she walked up the stairs from Fallon's Basement with a newspaper wrapped parcel. She wasn't high on chems, or drunk off her ass, or even gone batshit insane. She was happy because she had found, in the midst of all the chaos-indeed, _because_ of the chaos, someone to connect with. To become close friends with. To fall in love with, once again.

He was absolutely nothing like Nate, and the fact that she found him so endearing after a few years of knowing him had shocked her. Nate was that strong, smoldering kind of masculine and sexy, who had showered her with affection and tender words even after six years of marriage and seven years of law school and constant meetings at her firm. Nate had been excited like a little child on Christmas when Josephine had told him she was pregnant, and he literally jumped up and down laughing. It was more surprising to her to see her normally serene and almost doe-eyed husband so vibrant and... **electrified** by her news than she was when she herself had discovered her pregnancy! Nate was just as attentive and doting when she was carrying as he was when they were courting. When Shaun was born, Nate never once looked discouraged as Josephine screamed insults and profanities while clutching his arm. Nate was a fairytale Prince, and Josephine was lucky enough to have been his Princess.

Nick, on the other hand, was an entirely different genre. Noir, as you might have guessed. When she was with him, from the very beginning she was the 'dame' to his 'dick'-only she wasn't some dewey-eyed heiress with a wavering voice and a sexy Manhattan accent. Josephine had long since bleached her sand colored hair white, and shaped her neat bun in to a much more brutal and intimidating shave and ponytail deal. In place of the cherry-red lipgloss and light blue eyeshadow a starlet in a detective film would wear, she had black matte painted on her thick lips and around her eyes and had accented it with a powerful shade of UV purple. She was not a thin, figureless waif as was popular in the days of noir; she had full round hips, a muscular frame, and a handful-and-a-half of breasts weighing her down. She hadn't always been a butch woman. When she was Mrs. Coogan, she was tidy and liked to paint her lips a bright magenta. She wore pant suits and curled her hair like Marilynn Monroe. She was a strong woman by those time's qualifiers.

But the defining visual qualities of 'strong women' change over time. When she wanted to strike fear in to the hearts of her enemies, she couldn't do it just by being a feminine yet powerful woman in a court room full of men any more. She had to go full on shock factor, and she pulled it off well. Her previously soft and easily expandable frame had adapted well to the muscle mass she had accumulated after three years in the Commonwealth, and the baby fat and just-had-a-baby fat had gone ages ago. She was left with cheekbones that hadn't been there before, and a few scars in varying sizes had etched themselves over her body. While her body and mind had changed, not everything was different. Her eyes were the same piercing green as they were before the freezer. She still had those faint freckles covering her face and arms, and still burnt to a crisp if she wasn't careful out in the Commonwealth sun. She was still a mother, and she felt guilt for not spending every second of her time in the new Boston in Sanctuary taking care of the synth boy that had recently begun to shoot up like a weed. She was the same, but different.

And Nick got that all too well. He wasn't Nick Valentine the cop any more, and he wasn't the defective Synth prototype either. At least, not entirely. Nick the Synth Detective was a different man, made from two different beings. He couldn't help but feel that Nick wasn't Nick. Nick was _literally_ essentially Nick the cop, after all. But Nick was definitely _not_ the same man. He was a learning machine, after all. He had started out as that donut muncher, but when he began having his own experiences and the world began falling apart, Nick wasn't Nick anymore. He formed his own opinions about the new problems arising as radiation crept over the lands and settled in the oceans. He had Nick's memories, but they seemed different than the memories he had formed. He had Nick's likes and morality, but had changed his thoughts on a lot of things over 200 years of never-ending change. He'd lost people too. Not the same way, not exactly, but plenty of people he had cared about as Nick the cop, and as Nick.

And when that dirty, sunburned, disheveled blonde busted her way into Vault 114 and kicked the asses of everyone in the room near single-handedly, he took a shine to her. She had way more bearing than he did a few weeks into his rude awakening, and she had certainly adapted well considering everything around her was new and inverted from what she knew. He was a little irked at her for killing his client's 'darling Darla', but she won him over pretty quickly. When her guts had been spilled about her long, long, long ago past, he felt even more sympathetic and even more close. When they used Kelloggs memories, and Amari told him the first thing she did when she was woken up was ask with almost panicked concern "Is Nick okay?", he felt a bit embarrassed-but in a very pleasant way. Like how when Nick Valentine was in the eighth grade, Lenny Olmaro told him that his sister told him that Minnie Gustavo had a crush on him.

That silly feeling made him more than a little nostalgic, and he wasn't so sure about hanging around Josephine if she was just gonna be some lovesick kid; but as they traveled around he realized that she wasn't exactly crushing on him. Not on a conscious level anyway. Josephine would often get worked up into a panic for a lot of things, from misplacing a gun to a hostage she was sent to save being a little too perilous to save. She got really worried about people being in danger especially, and it began to click that she was not as strong as she seemed. She wasn't able to deal with the trauma on her own, and it was spilling over. He helped her through an extremely tender time, and when she pulled through the worst of it and saw that he wasn't poking holes in her confidence or strength (something her own psyche couldn't resist doing to herself) and was there for her in a genuine and loyal way, it sparked that something she had felt but hadn't noticed until that very moment.

Nick's feelings for her had grown itself, and he took note in the way her manner towards him changed. They had joked around with each other before, had arguments and punched each others arms like old pals for a long time, but her body language had changed. When she touched him, she lingered and was more gentle than usual. When they argued, she seemed to have an almost sultry tint to her inflections. And the tension... The tension was what had done them in. After one 'in n' out' job for a tiny group of settlers, they had locked horns about a certain someone not hearing another certain someone telling them to "move quick!" and had almost shot them. Things had gotten pretty heated, and they had stopped moving altogether. He made a remark about her "not being able to aim in or outside of V.A.T.S., like her hands were made of damn jelly and gravel!", and she dropped the strap of her bag letting all the random junk hit the ground with a clang and spill out.

"What the hell do you mean _gravel_ and jelly? That makes _no_ sense", with a calm-before-the-storm tone.  
He opened his mouth to argue and came up blank for a moment.  
"It means you can't aim a damn gun!"  
"You can't move your goddamn half-gone ass, you bucket of bolts!"  
"Yeah?! You don't know when to shut your fuckin' mouth!"

A tense three seconds passed as they looked into each other's eyes from up close, waiting for the other to back down before Nick grabbed Josephine and pulled her in a liplock. He was met with no resistance, and fully reimbursed as she passionately kissed him back. They parted for a moment, holding themselves together tightly, and a breathless Josephine said in a near whisper, "I didn't know you could do that".

"I've got lips don't I, doll?"

The tension that had been building up for months had finally broken, and a good relationship had become a great relationship. In that one embrace, it seemed that years had passed and everything stood still. Until, with this being the world they lived in and all, Josephine felt a trio of drops on the back of her neck. They parted once more, and she looked up at the sky to see that a storm was starting to roll in, and a full on shower wasn't far off. The nearest settlement was too far away to reach in time to beat the rain, so it was back to the raider hideout to wait it out. Nick grabbed her bag and, both of them ignoring the dumped loot on the ground, they made a dash for the entrance of the building. It was fairly small considering the usual properties that raiders seemed to swarm in, but it was still fairly intact. Nick _said_ he was watertight, but with all those exposed wires and broken casings he refused to let her fix he was most certainly going to make him twitch at the very least.

He ran with a clenched jaw. While he could withstand the water... Well, it didn't mean he liked it. It was an unpleasant sensation, though not necessarily harmful as long as it didn't get _inside_ the wiring. Safely inside the concrete box, Josephine put her things down and took off her armor. Her leg braces and chest piece were waterlogged and had soaked her vault suit, but that wasn't anything building a fire couldn't fix. She found a few pieces of fallen or pried up floorboards and made a pile with them. She dug through her sack of goods, but it wasn't going to be easy finding a lighter in that much jumble.

"Need a light?", Nick said, pulling his own flip-lighter out of his pocket. Josephine nodded and huddled up a little closer to the firewood as Nick ignited the kindling.

So, there they were, sitting by the fire in a storm--a not quite romantic setting. They sat in silence for a little while, and Josephine started snickering. The hushed giggles soon turned into a full on hysterical laugh, and Nick was more than a little weirded out.

"Ah... Are you alright, Jo?", he said as the cigarette in his hand burned down to the filter. His expression was one of concern and discomfort, and he leaned over to touch her shoulder. Josephine couldn't reply; she was simply laughing too hard. He sat in silence as it tapered off, and she finally wiped her eyes and replied.

"It's just so funny!", she said with a choking laugh.  
"You lost me."  
"What just happened! No-- _what... WHAT_ just _HAPPENED_?!", she wheezed.

Nick pondered that question with a straight face, and bust out laughing as well. Jo playfully fell over laughing onto Nick, who lost his bearing and slipped back. His head hit the pavement, and Josepehine fell over into his lap, making them both laugh even harder.

* * *

Soon after they finally calmed down Josephine was resting under Nick's arm, cozy and warm by the fire. She was tranquil, and sleepy in the way that only a good laugh could make someone. Nick was pretty cozy too, though the warm fuzzies floating around in his positronic brain made him a little bit uneasy. It'd been awhile since he had a flame, after all. The best part, to Jo and to Nick, was that it didn't feel awkward like they were afraid it would. They'd been such close friends for about three years, and three years of friendship often made for uncomfortable first few weeks after a confession of love, even if they reciprocated. But this wasn't like that. It felt natural. It felt wonderful. It was good to finally get into the open, and the way they did was phenomenal. Who knew that a Synth who was a tad more robot than android could kiss like that!

Hours had passed and the rain was still coming down, harder than before now. Nick shook Jo awake.

"Well, it looks like this downpour isn't going to lighten up for a while. We can make camp here for the night, or we can leave anyway. But, i'd rather not go out in that... Wading through knee-deep water is one thing, but walking through heavy rain is another", he said, looking out a cracked window at the weather outside. It was already getting dark anyway, and the wasteland wasn't any friendlier at night. Josephine nodded sleepily.

"Okay, let's stay here for the night", she yawned, falling back asleep almost immediately. Nick was trapped in place by a woman laying her head on his lap; and that was okay with him.

* * *

And now, weeks later, Nick and Josephine were the talk of Diamond City. Nick was more quiet and personal about his affairs, but Jo was happy to talk about it to anyone who asked. Piper especially questioned her about it, frequently asking for an interview with the couple for a special edition of Publick Occurances; but Nick had absolutely refused.

"If you want to do a story about a machine and a human, you can go talk to Edna and Zwicky", he said to Piper curtly, as he pulled Josephine away from her and walked off. Jo didn't tell Piper much, but she spilled almost everything to Scarlett--who in turn spilled everything to Travis. And Travis made a few shout outs to "those love birds. The two weirdest people in Diamond City, getting together. A match made in the Institute. How about that?", mortifying Nick and delighting Josephine. She stopped telling Scarlett everything about their relationship after Nick chastised her for it. Scarlet still relentlessly questioned her.

"What's kissing like? Do you two have dates often? Do you hold his robot hand? What does his 'skin' feel like anyway?", Scarlett would badger Jo with every chance she got. It was now, sitting on a couch in The Dugout with a few beers in Scarlett and three shots of whiskey in Jo that Scarlett got the (liquid) courage to ask Jo a question she'd wanted to ask ever since she found out about the odd couple.

"So, how's the sex?", Scarlett asked with a giggle.

Jo froze.

She actually hadn't thought about that yet. It was strange, she hadn't even attempted to get under Nick's trenchcoat. Not yet, anyway.

"We actually haven't, um... Done anything-- _yet_.", she quickly added. She thought about the synths she had seen before, and realized none of them had genitalia. _Oh my God... He **doesn't** have a penis, **does** he?!, _ she thought to herself. It had been a few weeks since that intense kiss and their agreement on being an item. Perhaps it was time to have a talk with Nick...


	2. Don't Give It Sparkles!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josephine is off to harvest materials from an old sex shop, and thinks about how she got to this point while looking for the perfect dildo to use as a mold.

Oddly enough, when Joesephine came to the store she was looking for (now with a faded sign that she could just barely make out the word 'Play' which made her stomach lurch. She'd never been fond of that use of the word.) there were no raiders lurking around it. No bags of moldy flour piled in a half circle around the door. The windows were boarded up, and the door had been nailed shut at some point, but for the most part it had been deserted. _I guess kinks weren't on many peoples mind after the bomb dropped,_ she thought. Oh, what Hancock would say if he could see her now. Some part of her knew deep down that his leathery skin wasn't the only kind of leather he was familiar with. She shuddered, but pried the wood off of the door and went inside.

It was wasn't exactly well stocked. While there were a few things that remained in abundance, such as beads and lingerie, the particular... _items_ that she was looking for were hard to find. More specifically, the items that were the right material. Sure, she could find other items that had elastomer in them-but the items that had it would most likely be unpackaged and not even the right amount. By actually going and collecting dildos she could be sure of everything; for starters, that the material would be clean and mint in package. She wasn't going to let Nick see this stage. It would most likely make him back out of this little arrangement due to sheer embarrassment, and she was certain that he was only just barely agreeing to it.

She had to make sure to set aside at least one dildo to coat in rubber cement - a mold for the final product. She already had a huge stockpile of circuitry and the right kinds of wire for Nick. After all, she got pretty handy with a sautering iron and needle-nose pliers over the years, and she needed to keep her boyfriend in tip-top shape, right? She already knew what she would be doing to make her little piece of art work.

* * *

_He didn't know why he was agreeing to this. Well, that wasn't true; he knew exactly why. It had been... What? An odd 210+ years? It's not like he had agreed right away anyway; she'd dropped **that** bomb in his lap three days before. He'd given it a lot of thought._

_Three days. Three, intensely nerve-wracking days of avoiding his girl like the plague. Ellie noticed. Ellie asked. Ellie got no answer beyond "We're arguing"._

_That wasn't quite right, but it'd get her out of his hair - so to_ _speak._

_When he thought back to that day, all he could think was "What the hell got into her?". He couldn't blame her for suggesting it, it was only natural that after so long together she'd want to be a little more intimate that just being kissed and held. Hell, he'd even thought about offering... services, before but she'd never **seemed** to want anything more than what they had. And now that it was sure that she did infact want more than that... He really didn't know how to react._

_As a very, very drunk Ellie once said "He put the Nick in eunuch", and he had gotten used to that fact. It's not that he didn't feel the desire, or attraction at all - it's that there was no was he could act on it. He always thought it was strange that the Institute would include a sex-drive in his programming, but not give him the equipment to do anything about it. Maybe they felt that it would be too strange, or it went too far; but then, didn't they do that_ _in the very beginning?_

_Perhaps it wasn't intentional; that in transferring Nick's memories and personality into his body, it was a part of the package. Still, years and years went by and he learned not quite to suppress it, but to not **feel** it. Not that he'd felt much of anything for the first 50 or so years. Not after Jenny._

_Sure, after the first few months of rolling with Joesephine he'd started to fall for her; and they'd bonded at a deep level over the murders of their spouses. But every time he'd started to drift towards her in a romantic way, all he could think about was Jenny. It took him a long time to get to the point where he made that first move - and that was only because she'd got him so worked up that he **couldn't** think._

_But now... The suggestion that he could **have** that level of intimacy again... The thought that, with just a little alteration and a whole lot of embarrassment, he could give Joesephine that..._

_Nick was a bit old fashioned in that regard. He'd never liked the idea of casual sex or one-night-stands. In his eyes, it was something special that should be kept between people who loved each other. He was modern enough to not need marriage as a factor, but love was the driving force behind it. And he did love Joesephine._

_Still... This was something he needed to mull over. It would be stupid to immediately say yes or no._

_So after three days he finally gave her an answer._

_It was late at night, about 11 PM, and he knew that Joesephine would be home and awake. Perfect time to have a chat with her._

_He didn't even knock on the door before entering - he never had before, anyway - and Joesephine was sitting at the kitchen table cleaning her rifle. She didn't look at him._

_Nick walked over to her and pulled up a chair next to her, sitting down and folding his hands on the table. She kept her eyes on her gun and the rag she was using to polish it._

_There was one way he thought of that would get her to look at him. He pulled a lighter and a pack of cigarettes out from his jacket, put one in his mouth, and held the lighter up to the end of the cig - hesitating on turning it on, giving Joesephine one last chance to look at him before he lit up. He stared at her, expecting her to stop him from lighting it - her biggest pet peeve was smoking in the house - and finally talk to him. No dice. He sighed and finally lit the cigarette, taking a drag from it and leaning back in his chair. How was he going to get her to talk to him, if even playing on her biggest annoyance didn't get her attention. He stuck the cigarette in his mouth to put the pack and the lighter back away._

_They sat in silence, only the sound of Joesephine polishing and cleaning her gun, and the occasional puff of smoke and breath from Nick. Nick twirled the cig inbetween his fingers, watching the cherry slowly creep down the length of the cigarette. Two minutes passed, and he had already burned away almost half of it. He decided that if she didn't say anything - or even acknowledge his presence- then he would leave. But he would find her during the day, out in public - and she **couldn't** ignore him then. He pulled the cigarette up to his face, thinking about when and where would be the best place to corner her._

_Joesephine finally smacked the cigarette out of his hand, startling Nick and making him jump. He looked over to her in shock, and she looked none to pleased to see him or his little tactic. Almost furious infact._

_"Nick, why are you here?", she asked angrily._

_"I want to talk to you. About what you... proposed", Nick replied._

_Josephine sighed and rubbed her forehead, clearly trying to find in herself to talk to him calmly despite being so upset with him._

_"I... I thought about it. And...", Nick had tried to push out the words. They sure as hell weren't coming out easy._

_"And?"_

_Nick took Josephine's hand into his own and gave her his best brave-face._

_"And..."- he sighed -"Look, Josie, you've gotta understand - It's not exactly been an easy decision. Sure there are some really great things that could happen, but there are lot of 'what-if's' too!"_

_"So you're saying no then?", Josephine asked, more disappointed than angry now._

_Nick held her hand with both of his now, and gave her a solemn look._

_"No. I'm saying... If it will make you happy, then let's do it."_

_Josephine looked at him with shock, then a delighted grin spread across her face. She set her rifle down on the table and scrambled to kiss Nick._

_She stayed in his arms, half-leaning half-kneeling beside him, and wrapped herself around his torso with the top of her head resting underneath his chin._

_"Nick, thank you! This means so much to me!", Josephine exclaimed.  
_

_She was almost in tears, she was so happy. Nick had had no idea how much sex must have meant to her._

_"BUT! There are one or two things that I''l need."_

_"Sure, name it!", Joesephine asked excitedly, kissing him in between each of her three words._

_"Just don't... Don't make it ridiculous, Josie. Hey! Don't shrug at me; you know what I mean! No weird colors or shapes or... Jesus, what else do they make those things with, glitter? ... I SAW THAT, DON'T YOU DARE!_ " _, Nick asked weak, holding back a grimace._

_Joesephine laughed._

_Nick gave her a nervous smile, and remembering how pissed she was when he first came in, wanted to know why._

_"So... Why were y_ _ou so mad when I got here? You know that kind of thing takes some time to think about", he asked tentatively._

_"Yeah, of course; but avoiding me for three days? That was stupid, Nick. I didn't need an immediate answer from you the next time I saw you! I wasn't going to badger you about it - unless a few weeks went by without a yes or a no, of course."_

_"I guess that's understandable. I'm sorry, Josie. You kind of had me a little... How should I put it? Tense, about the whole idea."_

_Joesephine kissed him one more time on the cheek._

_"Trust me - It'll be worth it!"_

Joesephine chuckled at the memory as she decided on three elastomer dicks, two to make sure it went off without a hitch, and one for the mold. She had hoped that there would be at least one blue one there, since it would look kind of awkward if they were to use a flesh colored one. Fortunately, it looked like the realistic ones were the first to go, and she found a single blue dildo. She'd melt it down and make it stretch, thinning out the color to about match Nick's. She'd already had plans for what it would look like, how it would work; in another life, she probably could have made a living designing adult novelties, she mused.

As she finished up her task, she was more than happy to get out of there. As she headed for the door, she realized that there was just one more thing that she ought to get, something very vital.

The store had a whole shelf dedicated to lubrication, and there were more novelty lubes and edible items than there were actual KY Jelly. It took her a minute to find the normal tubes, and tossed them in her bag along with the penises.

She stood up and pondered exploring the store a little more; after all, they might have some other things that she might need. First and foremost - underwear. She'd been wearing the same two pairs of underwear and the same bra for almost four years now, and it was getting hard to patch up and clean without tearing a new hole. She'd noticed a _lot_ of lingerie in there before... Maybe there were a few less risque items?

By the end of her adventure in dildo harvesting, she'd collected three dildos, two tubes of lube, and three bra and panty sets - a major win for her. She planned to burn her old ones the minute she got home. Sure, they weren't the most covering choice of underwear; but they were fairly sturdy fabric, and hot damn they looked good on her. Just another surprise for Nick when she finally got business done. She was going to do the actually work out by Red Rocket or Hangman's Alley - there were no settlements there, as she'd decided long ago to keep those two for herself. They were small properties, so it wasn't like she was being greedy anyway.

Question was; invite Nick along, or bring him the finished product?

Unfortunately for Nick, it wasn't much of a question; he'd need to be fitted. And Josephine was _certain_ he would not like that.


End file.
